I accept “i don’t want to” as a legitimate answer for why not to do something.
“I have had more than usual to drink today and I keep getting up to pee, and I’m afraid it looks like I have like, diarrhea or a coke habit or something.”
“I would name my child Anakin Lucifer. He’d be the most badass kid. Like, it’s not the death star it’s the morning star.”
“Anyway I have a theory that my dad is a closeted bisexual, at least. He overcompensates way too hard for his masculinity whilst simultaneously pretending to make out with his friends. I’m like ‘Methinks the lady dost protest too much, just fucking make out already, you’re fooling precisely no one’.”
“In school I wrote the date as 2001 in 2009. I’ve also misspelled my name, accidentally written Google instead of my name, and once thought I was in Vermont.”
“The writers of softcore fanfiction are like if there was a porn director who made a cliché pizza boy video, but then they make the pizza boy mormon and he converts the hot chick instead of banging her.”
“My mom asked me the other day what i was reading and she was like "is it porn?” And i was like “its ALWAYS porn.”
“I just had a wet dream about eating macaroni and cheese off someone’s body. I ACTUALLY came, and it woke me up. Mac and cheese. It wasn’t even in a sexy place, it was like on their torso.”
“Why is the world against me sleeping in?”
Her: What do Turnips taste like?
Me: Kinda bitter…I like ‘em, they’re an acquired taste
Her: That’s a fancy way of saying I’m gonna hate this
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