August 2011
1 post
On...I'm Not Even Sure
“I’m afraid to try anal. I’m afraid I’ll poop on you.”
May 2011
2 posts
On Home Repair
HER: I want your caulk
ME: I’ll repair the shit outta your kitchen windows, baby
HER: I have a crack you can caulk
ME: Yeah, then you can polish my door handle
HER: Yeah, then you can finish my basement
ME: Baby, I am gonna get you home owners insurance
HER: Oh god yeah, repair my roof and get me a fresh coat of paint
ME: Shit girl, I’m gonna unclog your pipes alllll night long
On Sugar Daddies
“Women only care about money, not experience. If there’s no sugar, they aren’t a daddy.”
April 2011
3 posts
On Going To Camp
HER: He was a counselor at the camp, and I want to go to a Jewish camp.
ME: You wanna reword that?
On Having A Cock
Whip it out, BAM! BITCH. That’s what I’d say if I had a cock.
On Being Told She's Awesome
ME: Have I ever told you how awesome you are?
HER: You can always tell me more often.
March 2011
1 post
On Eddie Izzard
“Eddie Izzard looks like Pink.”
February 2011
6 posts
On Euphimisms
ME: I’m going to start saying “vagoo”
HER: Don’t say that, it sounds like Italian Pasta
On Having Confidence
ME: The good thing is that you’re really upbeat, and that keeps me from being really depressed. Most of the time. Until you start saying how awesome you are and then that makes me feel like I can’t measure up.
HER: I’m so sorry that my confidence upsets you.
On Being The Queen Of England
HER: I’m totally going to be the queen of England one day
ME: You’re not even English!
HER: That doesn’t matter. I’m white, that’s close enough. Besides, it’s all about confidence.
On Hating Herself
“I love myself too much to hate myself.”
On Words
“Your vernacular arouses me sexually.”
On Porn Habits
“Yeah, she’s been visiting chat sites and porn sites. I’m not worried, in fact I’m just more embarrassed that she can’t hide her porn better.”
January 2011
3 posts
On Manual Labor
“Women shouldn’t do manual labor. It’s not called WOMANUAL Labor.”
On Being Dirty
ME: You are a very dirty girl
HER: Baby, I don’t even own a vacuum cleaner.
On Nachos
HER: I am going to bathe and eat nachos. What do you think of that?
ME: I think you’re the best girlfriend ever.
October 2010
3 posts
On Being A Good Boyfriend
ME: I wanna put stuff in you
HER: You’re a good boyfriend
On Being Turned On
“It turns me on when I masturbate.”
On Eye Contact
“I need to stop looking people in the eyes, so they stop talking to me.”
September 2010
1 post
On Stress
“I noticed that when my vagina does all my thinking, I rarely get stressed out.”
August 2010
1 post
On Sexy Things
She was horny.
ME: The things I would do to you
HER: They would be greatly appreciated
July 2010
3 posts
On Knowing Things
I like knowing things. I know everything. And what I don’t know doesn’t exist.
On French Kissing
“If you forcefully french kiss someone who’s unwilling, does that count as rape? Because technically, that IS forced penetration.”
On Olde English
She decided to talk in olde english for no reason.
SEIRRA: Ok, waiteth a second, I need to taketh off my clotheth, and removeth my cat from my bedeth
ME: Why don’t you just talk like a normal human being?
SEIRRA: Fucketh you
June 2010
3 posts
On Late Night Messages
SHE MESSAGED MY FRIEND MATT ONE NIGHT.
MATT: Goodnight, I will talk to you when it is NOT 1 am
SEIRRA: You’re a pussy, real men talk at 12:49
On Amazing Boobs
“If my boobs were that magnificent, I wouldn’t even WEAR a bra. I’d just wear white tank tops and hope for a spontaneous wet t-shirt contest.”
On Being British & Condescending
“You know, you don’t have to be so condescending and british.”
March 2010
3 posts
On Porn Addiction
“My mom just asked me if I’m addicted to porn and I said ‘yes’, and I don’t know if she knows I wasn’t joking.”
On Working
“Apparently, one day after starting my new job, after being in the system all of one day the system had a meltdown because of me.”
SIDENOTE: She’s just that epic.
On Wrestling
“Wrestling is like kinky public gay porn.”
February 2010
5 posts
On Porn Habits
“I hate porn since I practically need rehab to stop going through withdrawals.”
On Dinosaur Sex
“I just finished watching Tyranosaurus Sex and I didn’t want to see a diagram of a T Rex and his 6 foot penis going into a T Rex vagina longer than my body.”
On Asian Sex
“Do you think if you have sex with an asian person that their genitalia is all blurred out?”
On Biology
“I told my biology teacher ‘I got a semipermeable membrane RIIIIGHT here’ then winked.”
On Threatening
“When I was a little girl, I discovered that I could control boys just by saying I liked someone. I once told someone I liked him and his friend said ‘ew’, and I told him ‘shut up, or I’ll like YOU too’. So that’s what I do. I threaten people with love.”
January 2010
4 posts
On Being Sexy
ME: God, you are just SO beautiful and sexy
SEIRRA: I AM. OH MY GOD I AM SEXY.
On Chick Flicks
“The Notebook is the KING of ALL chick flicks.”
On The Holocaust
“I watched ‘Inglorious Basterds’ on Christmas day. No better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus than to watch the Holocaust.”
On Being Tired
“I want to, but I do wish someone else could blow you right now because I’m exhausted.”
December 2009
6 posts
On Family Newsletter
“The closest thing I’ve ever had to a family newsletter was an obituary.”
On Doing Nothing
“It’s a hard job to do nothing all day!”
On Drinking
“You know what happens when you drink? The TRUTH comes out.”
On Names
“Some guys have hard names to moan when fucking them…like Craig or Jack….or Xavier, shit, I don’t know.”
NOTE: She also suggest Ezekial. My girlfriend apparently fucks men from the 1800s.
On Humility
“It must take a lot of humility to be a charity case.”
On Kanses
“My hotel came with a partially consumed bottle of booze…it’s classy in Kansas.”
November 2009
5 posts
On Housework
MY TEXT TO HER: Ugh, Seirra, I hate doing this housework, cleaning is SO boring and hard!
HER REPLY TEXT: Well, get used to it househusband; now get back in the kitchen and make me a pot pie!
On Ninjas
“Did you know that in order for a woman to be allowed to have kids they have to be a ninja master?”
MY OWN VIEW: Sometimes when I get REALLY weird texts like this from her, I at least try and decipher them. I didn’t even ATTEMPT this time.
On Silvester Stilone
“Silvester Stilone looks like road kill molded from cat poo.”
On Flu
“Why couldn’t this have been like last year’s post Halloween flu? Nausious and Horny.”
MY RESPONSE: That was a GOOD November.
On Renaissance
“Is it just me, or did all Italians and Greeks before the renaissance look like chubby, mediocre-ugly women?”