Latest Tweets:
“I’m afraid to try anal. I’m afraid I’ll poop on you.”
HER: I want your caulk
ME: I’ll repair the shit outta your kitchen windows, baby
HER: I have a crack you can caulk
ME: Yeah, then you can polish my door handle
HER: Yeah, then you can finish my basement
ME: Baby, I am gonna get you home owners insurance
HER: Oh god yeah, repair my roof and get me a fresh coat of paint
ME: Shit girl, I’m gonna unclog your pipes alllll night long
“Women only care about money, not experience. If there’s no sugar, they aren’t a daddy.”
HER: He was a counselor at the camp, and I want to go to a Jewish camp.
ME: You wanna reword that?
Whip it out, BAM! BITCH. That’s what I’d say if I had a cock.
ME: Have I ever told you how awesome you are?
HER: You can always tell me more often.
“Eddie Izzard looks like Pink.”
ME: I’m going to start saying “vagoo”
HER: Don’t say that, it sounds like Italian Pasta
ME: The good thing is that you’re really upbeat, and that keeps me from being really depressed. Most of the time. Until you start saying how awesome you are and then that makes me feel like I can’t measure up.
HER: I’m so sorry that my confidence upsets you.
HER: I’m totally going to be the queen of England one day
ME: You’re not even English!
HER: That doesn’t matter. I’m white, that’s close enough. Besides, it’s all about confidence.
